SO, let me start by saying I love my little girl and there is nothing that I would not do for her, but on yesterday I had the worst thought ever. I thought for a split second that I did not want to be a mother any more.
You know with bipolar disorder, you have all types of racing thoughts and sometimes when you are stressed you think crazy things. No, I have never thought of hurting her or doing anything that would put me in jail, but I wanted to have just have freedom. Just some time alone to be with myself, to do what I wanted to do without having to think about her. I feel like a fool for even saying that.
I have always wanted children, but never in my life did I think it would be this hard. I only have one and I know that I am not ready for any more. I know this is only one day and people may feel this way once in a while, but I had a deep feeling of shame. This really hurt me because when I found out I was pregnant I was more scared than happy. To be honest I was mad because I knew that my life would change forever. I was not sure I could handle that.
I know children are a blessing and I would never take my role as a mom for granted, but I miss all the free time I once had to do the things I wanted to do or not do when it was just me and hubby.
The moment this little being came into my life I have done everything for her. I know she is a baby and she can't do anything for herself right now, so I am responsible. I take it seriously and I do the best I know how to do, but I get overwhelmed. I am not use to not getting sleep, not getting things done or miss taking care of my personal responsibility. I mean there is hubby, but he is so busy at times that I am doing a lot of baby work. I know I bring this pressure on myself because I want to make sure she knows that she is loved and that I am doing all I can to do make sure she is getting the attention she needs.
So, having this feeling made me really sad. I would never in my right mind think that my life would be better without her. She has made my life better. I am more productive and I want to be a better person all because of her. No, I don't get all the house work done, give all the time that is needed to make hubby feel good or take care of all the personal stuff, but I do make her feel as special as she can feel. I want nothing more than her happiness and I know each day she has that when I see her smile.
Life as I know it will forever be different and I am willing to take that step. I will always be grateful and thankful for my daughter even when it get hard. I will never want her to go away or anything to happen to her so that my life can be easier because it will not! I love her and I will always love her as long as God give me breath. I just felt a little out of sorts and my thoughts just got the best of me.
But today is a new day and I am feeling better now and those crazy thought are just a memory. I just pray for better days ahead.
Awwe Tess,
ReplyDeleteI think we all have been there at some point. I have had some of those same feelings. It is not always easy being a mom, but it is the most rewarding job in the world. Tough days will come, but just do the best you can & go from there. You love your baby and she loves you and that is all that matters.
Thank you for being so honest and open. Praying for good days.
Better days are ahead, Tess! I know I had thoughts exactly like the ones you are describing (good and bad) every now and then when my girls were infants, though I don't like to admit it.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are working very hard to make sure that your darling little girl is loved and well taken care of. I'm sure that your husband knows that you love him and that he is aware of how hard this life change has been on you.
Sounds to me that you are a great wife and mother! Try not to be so hard on yourself. :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog today! I understand the feeling you're having. I have 3 girls, and have had a lot of issues since my Mom passed away unexpectedly 4 years ago. I always counted on her to get me through those days when I felt overwhelmed and now I don't have anyone to count on but myself. It will get better though, I promise. As she gets more independent, it won't seem like such a big deal. You love her and that will get you through all the trying times. Plus, it's okay to not be perfect at all times!
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is so precious! I have a daughter named Madison too! I will keep you in my prayers.
Kristin from TX
Oh Tess, first of all, don't even give this a second thought or beat yourself up over it. I think ALL mom's have had this thought. You are brave and strong and you sound like a wonderful mom. I have had this thought a lot, even now when Boyd is 10 months old. It is truly THE HARDEST job I've ever had. Some days I would give anything for the freedom and life I had before him, but then again, I know I wouldn't trade him for the world. Your thoughts are SO NORMAL!!!! Even after Boyd was born, it took me a couple of weeks to "warm" up to him. I felt so bad and thought, what is wrong with me? So many moms feel this way, but so few ever admit it. I will pray for better days ahead. It is evident how much you love your precious baby girl!
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is so hard. So much responsibility. SO much stress. I will pray for you today. She is such a beauty. I can tell that you love her very much.
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